three of hearts: a postmodern family » get involved

Sam Cagnina

play clip

Samantha Singh

play clip

Steven Margolin

play clip

The Director,
Susan Kaplan

The Relationship Expert,
Dr. Pepper Schwartz

Do you have a question you’d like to personally ask Sam, Samantha or Steven? Here is where you can do it. Your question will be emailed to them, and their answer, along with your question, will be posted here.

You can also address questions to the Director, Susan Kaplan, or our guest expert, Dr. Pepper Schwartz.

I have a question for:

Sam Cagnina
Samantha Singh
Steven Margolin
The Director
The Relationship Expert

Recent Questions & Answers | All Questions & Answers

[Steven Margolin] My question is: Steven, I just want to comment that you did not come across uncaring to me. Maybe because I know when you said this is a film made by an outsider. I have made numerous relationship errors over and over. and if there isw one thing I know, only the people in it truly know what happens. your question of “How do you know?” to the person criticizing you was dead on, how could anyone possibly know except the three of you. Like I said I have made numerous errors and my family has suffered with insensitive family members and friends trying to pump for info. My sister is wonderful when they ask what happened she looks them dead in the face and says “I don’t know, I don’t live with them.” So, I applaude you for leaving instead of staying when more hurt might have ensued because as you said, it’s a film, but we weren’t there and shouldn’t judge why you split. In fact we shouldn’t judge at all, I bet each person who has judged any of you has their own “secret,” we all do. I just hope all of you are doing good. I was saddened when you split but am happy for you. I’m also glad for Sam and I hope Samantha has a special someone. The kids are lucky to have parents who love them. So many don’t. Take Care, Lori

Thank you for your insightful comments Lori, I appreciate them!

[Samantha Singh] Hi Samantha I loved the movie and I think you are beautiful. I was wondering if you (or Sam or Steven, for that matter) have had any more children since the taping or plan on having any more children? Also I know that you mentioned that you are not bisexual, but I found it curious that you were/are attracted to gay/bi men. I know that you said you fell in love with Sam and Steven for different reasons, but have your recent relationships also been with gay or bi men? If this is too personal I apologize. I also just wanted to say that I think it is wonderful that you are all actively involved in your children’s lives. Cheers! - Ari, from Virginia

Ari,
I haven’t had anymore children, I have been blessed with the two that I have. I also haven’t had a relationship like the one I had.
Thanks for your e-mail.
Best Regards,
Samantha

[Samantha Singh] Bonjour! Je suis Française et je viens de decouvrirvotre film documentaire. Wouah!! Durant la projection je n’arretais pasde me dire c’est trop genial, et si ca durait? Malheureusement ce n’est pas le cas. votre relation etait si epanouie que je me mettais a rever que ca puisse marcher. Vous m’avez touche, vous et sam aussi. Votrefairplay et votre gentillesse.... je tenais absolument a vous dire quevous m’aviez émue. J’espere aussi que le francais ne sera pas un obstacle!! MERCI. Juste une question, aujourd’hui comment allez vous?!! - Virginie, Paris

Dear Virginie,
Merci beaucoup! Thank you for sending such a heart felt e-mail, and from one of my favoirite cities! I am fine, all is well with everyone.
Best Regards, Samantha

[Samantha Singh] Je voulais vous dire que vous êtes une superbe et très belle femme; bonne continuation de La Rochelle, France.

Merci beaucoup!

[Sam Cagnina] Ya’ll’s film confirmed the reality of “true love,” and shows how ANY relationship requires patience, good communication, and compassion for success. Thanks for that! In the film Samantha remarks that the sex has stopped. Did it ever resume? Did it stop because your loved one Steven had walked out, and that altered the sexual relationship? I can imagine that such a hurt could be a turn-off for quite a long time. I know this is personal, and I won’t be hurt if you choose not to answer.

Thank you for your question. The reasons the sexual relationship between Samantha and myself stopped after Sumit was born are too complicated to put into an e-mail; however, to try and answer your question... One of the reasons was that Samantha knew my attractions for men before she entered into the relationship with Steven and myself, and excepted our relationship, and to now try and bring another man into the relationship after Steven would be like hitting the lottery twice. What the three of us had was special.

Just to update you to where we are, Samantha and I are still living together raising the children. This year will be 20 years that we have been together. I am in love and have found a wonderful man who accepts me and the complications and the creation of my life just as it is. He and Samantha have grown to be good friends. As always my life is a blessed one with much to be grateful for.
All the best,
Sam

[Steven Margolin] Did you try to discuss with Sam and Samantha what needs, frustrations, etc., that you were feeling before you decided to leave the relationship? What happened? I hope you can all be good friends again one day.

Hi there and thank you for your question. As it was stated in the movie, the three of us had been in counseling for a couple of years before I left the relationship. Sometimes in life, you realize that there are differences that simply cannot be resolved and it is time to move on. Regardless of what it took to get here, I think we all have a stronger sense of our individuality and are in a much happier space.

[Samantha Singh] Would you say that threesomes make life and love easier in that there is one more pair of hands to do household work, one more childcare person, one more individual to trust and confide in, one more income to support the household, and even more extended family to share with?

Sure, the more hands you have in raising a family the better, but you also have to make due with what you have.

[Samantha Singh] Hi, Samantha. I saw the movie on Sunday. I was shocked and impressed. How are you doing now? Did you find somebody? I am really concerned about you, because you are the one who has to take care of the children. - Teresa

Teresa. Thank you for your concern, I am fine, and blessed to have the kids! Best, Samantha

[Susan Kaplan] Thank you for this impressive movie. How did you finance this huge work? Were Samantha, Steven and Sam paid? - Francesco, in Switzerland

Hi Francesco, thank you for watching the film. We had television and private financing. No one was ever paid in our film.

[Sam Cagnina] How the hell are you???? Hit me back!!! - Jason Kalfin LMT

Hey Jason, I’m doing great!! Hope all is well with you and you’re still rocking the house down!! - XO Sam

[Samantha Singh] Without passing any judgement on Steven’s exodus from the trio, I would like to command you Sam and Samantha for sticking for thechildren. Samantha, you are a captivating individual and I wonder if you have been seeking or have found a true love or relationship, or are your kids your world?

Thank you for your e-mail.

[Samantha Singh] First I have to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful. I was going through the channels late the other night when I saw you on Bravo. I quickly went down stairs and recorded it on TiVo. I think I’m in love with you. I can see why sam and steven fell for you. Sam seems like a great guy. I would want to be his friend if I could. I’m not a gay man, but I cherish honesty and loyalty and that’s what Sam has. I wish there was just a page for you only. I want to know all about you such as where you grew up, where did you go to school, etc... Are you with anyone now? I live in upstate NY, but work near Newburgh as a correctional officer. How about lunch sometime?

Thank you for your e-mail.

[Sam Cagnina] It is easy to see the deep love you have for Samantha and the children. I can see you adore her and live for her. However, it is also just as easy to see you are not complete; still hurt, rejected, and in disbelief that Steven is no longer part of the family. I really feel for you Sam, mostly as I feel you give more than the three, and need a male companion to be complete. My question is, has the relationship breakup affected Sienna in a negative way? Is she confused? How is she?

Siena is doing well, she has three parents who love her. I think most separations for children are difficult, however Siena has had six years since Steven left to adjust to her new life with two different families. She still see Steven every Tuesday, spends the night, and then hangs with him every other weekend. This is her world. She’s been doing this since she was three. She is nine years old now. Thanks for you e-mail and concerns.

All the best, Sam

P.S. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and the kids now also have the added love he has to offer them. We are all blessed.

[Steven Margolin] Not a question but a comment. The camera was not always rolling, but you still did seem to put quite a bit of thought into splitting with your partners. To me, they just did not see it as they were too involved with other things. Perhaps if you were more of the focus and less taken for granted this relationship could have worked for you, at least for a while longer. I support your decision to leave. If you even considering it, and no one noticed, I can understand how that would sway the decision. Be well, Maryanne

Thanks for your comment Maryanne. Looking back at the end of our relationship, I can’t say whether anything would have made it end sooner or make it last longer. I trust that everything that happened and the reactions of everyone was all as it had to be. I think everyone walked away form it learning a little something about life and and a whole lot of something about themselves.

[Sam Cagnina] Hi Sam. I guess this is more a comment than a question. I think your comments in the closing part of the film are so important. Inspite of what gains have been made by the gay movement, we still all seek to be part of the group... part of main stream culture. I think the message about being okay with yourself being gay and now finally embracing it is an important one, particularly for younger people or people with strong religious backgrounds in environments that so disapprove of anything other than the norm.ÊI’m a documentary filmmaker myself, and so appreciate all of your willingness to share your lives. Wonderful film and story. Tom Murray

Hi Tom,

Thanks for your e-mail and your comments!! Good luck on whatever you’re working on as a documentary film maker. Give a shout if you have something coming out - I would love to know what you’ve done so I can watch.

All the best,
Sam

[Steven Margolin] More of a comment than question... just wanted to sayI saw the movie recently... I think you’re a smart, sweet man. Good for you for being such a wonderful dad! Hope you are happy now! Takecare.

Thank you for your comment. I am very happy now!

[Steven Margolin] I DO believe in passing judgment. Even if you don’t state it, you still think it. I totally disagree with the person who said you were unkind. From watching the documentary, it seemed that you all gave quite a bit of thought to the “what if one of us left” question, but then when it actually happened, it (granted, third party) appeared as though all preparation and LOGIC went out the window. The whole mediation about paying for the dog’s boarding, etc, was ridiculous. If that’s an indication of how the rest of the split went, it seems to me that a three-party relationship isn’t different from a two-party relationship except that TWO people feel betrayed and get bitter. It looked to me like silly, petty issues became legitimized by the second emotional person who couldn’t see clearly after being hurt. I think you’re crazy for agreeing to put your life out there for others to overanalyze and I hope you got paid a LOT. If you get too much hate mail because the two Sams were so likable or charismatic in the way the whole thing was portrayed (other people thinking with emotion first), I hope that you and your partner have the ability to step back a little and keep LOGIC and REASON in the front of your minds. Just because you once loved someone doesn’t mean you have to give them the mandate to punish you financially or emotionally. Good Luck, Judgmental Chick P.S. OH, and PLEASE don’t answer my comment. It’s enough to KNOW that you were right, isn’t it? I just intended to show support to you personally, not to engage in exacerbating bitterness that your daughter will have to deal with at some point.

I know you requested that I need not comment to your posting but I wanted to thank you for voicing what I think is a VERY clear perception. For a “judgemental chick,” you seem to be thinking outside the box. Thanks again!

[Sam Cagnina] Are you still “in love” with Samantha or are you staying with her for the children’s sake?

Thank you for asking if I’m still “in love” with Samantha or am I staying with her just for the sake of the children. If the children were grown and away living their own lives, I would still want to live my life with Samantha.

I am madly, truly, deeply in love with her and have more respect for her as the years go by. I feel like I have been blessed to have spent the last 20 years with her. And if I had it my way I would spend the rest of my life with her!!

Sam

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] My husband and I are both in love with our best male friend. We have lots of fun in the bedroom and doing normal friend activities. My Question is do you think this kind of relationship can last long term or are we kidding ourselves?

Whether or not this can last depends on how you both feel about this guy and whether or not either of you care about the other's feelings about someone other than yourself. Here are some thoughts to consider:

How will either of you feel if this guy prefers to spend time and/or sexualaffection with one of you over the other?
What is the concept of this relationship? Are you a family? Sharing a lover?
You need to know what you are aiming for and what the boundaries are.
How does this impact on having kids? Dealing with kids you already have? Never having kids? etc.
Does your relationship come first over the other person? If so, how would he feel about that over time?

There could be more issues - but hopefully all of these have not only been thought about - they’ve been discussed! These relationships are emotionally tricky - you can do a lot of damage to your relationship - or someone else’s feelings - and you want to make sure that doesn’t happen. So take care of each other - and talk all of this through.

[Susan Kaplan] I want to get in touch with some of the film’s characters directly -- I knew them a while back. Can you help me reach them?

Email us with your contact information and any other details, and we will pass it on for you. If you’ve already posted here for this reason, please note that this system does not collect email addresses, so we don’t have your info. Please resend contact information to make sure the Three of Hearts folks can get in touch with you. Thanks!

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] Are relationships like these the evolution of relationships? Do you think they will become more common and thus easier to deal with and more accepted? I’m in a threesome right now and I find it very difficult sometimes, what with not being a societal norm, living on the fringes, not feeling comfortable telling my parents, etc. I’m very much in love with these people and find stories like the one presented here inspiring for us.

I think the future of relationships is that people can really craft their own! What is really hard for one person is exactly how another person wants to live. Threesomes are challenging because there is one more set of habits, one more personality, one more set of needs and most people don’t want the challenge or the sharing. But for others, it is exactly the complexity and the sharing that is exciting and fulfilling. So no one “size fits all” but I believe there is a more open minded approach to innovation than there ever was before.

[Samantha Singh] Hi Samantha, I used to see Steven when he worked with Abdi years and years ago. I’m now working on a documentary project with Eve Ensler (The Vagina Monologues) about marriage and I was wondering if you’d be willing to have a conversation about your relationship with Steven and Sam. Let me know what you think, Susie

Susie, It’s wonderful that you would want to have a conversation with the three of us for your documentary, but I’m done!

Thanks,
Samantha

[Samantha Singh] There is so much I would like to ask, but where to start? I am a 30-year-old woman in a relationship with a married couple with two small children (theirs, not mine). We live together and I’m considered a “co-parent”. Before this relationship, I was living with my best friend/soulmate, a gay man, for years. I’ve never had what would be considered a conventional relationship. I love my life now. We have a house full of love and life and I am so supported. However, there are many issues that I have a hard time dealing with. Perhaps you can give me some insight. The issue of secrecy was mentioned in your film, ie. Steven being "the cousin". Right now, none of our parents/relatives know about our arrangement. I’m a “room-mate.” This breaks my heart. The friends of mine who do know think that I’m selling myself short. Let’s just say I haven’t received much positive feedback. Also, I often feel like an “addition” to an already established relationship. Sometimes I feel left out of the equation. Did Steven and Sam have to alter their relationship in any way to accomodate you? Were rules established? Did you ever have boundary issues? Or did things just evolve over the years? Thank you so much for allowing your life to be filmed. Seeing your story has helped me immensely in accepting my life choices. Seeing another king size bed with three pillows made me smile. Sometimes I feel very alone in this relatioonship even though I am surrounded by people who love me. To the outside world they are seen as a married couple with two children, while I am their friend. Sometimes I want to feel legitimized, sometimes I don’t care. Was this ever an issue for you three? Thank you. - Polly

Polly, Thanks for your question! In the beginning I felt left out, but that’s because it was new, and everyone had to make an adjustment. I was never left out of something intentionally, it was just an issue of habit, but over time it became the three of us, and they would say stuff like, remember the time we... and I would say that was BS (Before Samantha). We found our groove, but it takes time. Your situation is different from mine, because they (your partners are married and they had kids together, so their unit was already formed, whereas we had children together. My advice is to talk to your partners about your needs, concerns, and wants. Try to come up with a situation that works for everyone. Talking to a therapist will help with these issues as well. Good luck on your journey.

[Steven Margolin] I don’t have a question, but a comment. I admire ways in which you became more aware of your self and you needs and the importance of honoring that awareness. Your courage to participate in Sam’s desire to bring a woman into your relationship seems to suggest that you really loved him. Good for you for loving, and good for you for finding yourself!

Thank you for your acknowledging words.

[Steven Margolin] I think you were very unfair to Sam and Samantha as well as the children. Granted you found yourself... but you could have handled it with love... you seem to have forgotten that they helped you get to were you are. Even though you have grown you should have shown them the respect they deserved. You were very unkind.

Thank you for your opinion. I learned something a very long time ago and that was to not pass judgement on anyone or any given situation, as well as to not form any opinions based on “Third Party Information.” Our documentary film, a story told by a person who was outside the relationship, would be considered third party information as would gossip and rumors.

If you chose to form an opinion about me based on Three of Hearts, it is your right to do so, but unless you were apart of our relationship, I ask you: Do you really know what happened?

[Samantha Singh] Mine is not a question... but more of praise for your positive disposition and wishes for lots of luck in finding someone to walk with you and the struggles (and there will be) when the children start asking questions... just be strong... by the way you are quite beautiful.

Thank you.

[Steven Margolin] I was glued to your story/lives. What has become of Steven’s personal and professional life? Are Sam and Samantha seeing anyone sexually outside of the marriage?

As for answering the part of the question that pertains directly to me (Steven), the website contains a lot of information about what has occurred afer the filming ended, however, generally speaking, I will tell you that I am currently in a committed relationship with a man, spend lots of time with my daughter and have continued to build and maintain my chiropractic and nutrition practice in NYC.

[Susan Kaplan] This is just a comment on how much I enjoyed the film. But it was heartbreaking, to be honest! To see such a loving relationship being built up, added upon (family), and then disintegrate is quite a thing to behold. It’s a sociological study, if you ask me. It suprised me that a threesome relationship is so similar to any other type - couple, hetero, homo, poly, etc. We are all people who love, trust, hurt, change, and grow. Thanks so much for your work with this film! - liss, www.chevytothelevy.com

Thank you for sharing your understanding of the film. Your message is an important one. Please spread the word.

[Steven Margolin] This is really a comment meant for all three of you. Although I don’t really understand the relationship you shared, I find it very curious that all these people are referring to it as an “experiment.” Thirteen years is longer than most heterosexual relationships last. If anything it was a success.

Thank you for your comment. The people who refer to our relationship as an “experiment” are most likely uncomfortable with things they have not experienced for themselves, so they choose to judge what they do not know. It’s unfortunate, but not uncommon. My relationship with Sam and Samantha was successful for so many reasons.

[Sam Cagnina] This is really a comment meant for all three of you. Although I don’t really understand the relationship you shared, I find it very curious that all these people are referring to it as an “experiment.” Thirteen years is longer than most heterosexual relationships last. If anything it was a success.

I agree with you, our relationship was a relationship that lasted for 13 years. I am blessed I had all that time with Steven and Samantha. I learned so much about myself, life and others.

However, for myself, all of life is an experiment. Trying things out, seeing if they fit. Are we open? Life itself want to teach us everything we need in order to choice who and what we would like to be. It gives us choice. The only question is, are we able to be taught. Are we able not to be victims of our circumstance, when something isn’t to our liking?

I ask myself all the time. “Who do I want to be? As a father, a husband, a friend, etc.” Life will teach me how close I am (or not) to the goals I choose for myself.

My relationship and years with Steven and Samantha has taught me so much.

All the best, Sam

[Susan Kaplan] Very interesting topic and I very much enjoyed the documentary. At the beginning, I felt very happy because the three all seemed so joyful and completely fulfilled. And then... the bomb drops and there is a definite devastation and bitterness -- that I completely felt, as well. So you did a wonderful job of allowing the audience to feel the emotions. I am curious about one thing. I am a gay woman who is against gay marriage. (Yes, I am my own little minority.) One of my arguments about gay marriage has always been -- at what point do we stop? Yes, the slippery slope argument. If we allow a man to marry a man, and a woman to marry a woman...the next thing will be to allow a threesome to marry -- and then what is next? Can I marry my dog? How about a foursome? Won’t we eventually allow marriage for any and all entities? (I’m sure anyone reading this, is quite familiar with that argument.) I feel THREE OF HEARTS actually supports the argument, in a way. I am curious whether you believe the film serves the anti-gay marriage folks more than it does the gay marriage proponents? I am almost positive that was not your intention. I am very curious if you had heard any similar comments from the right-wing contingency? I am not a right-wing nut -- seriously, I am my own little minority -- a gay person who does not believe in gay marriage.

Thank you for your thoughts. My interest in recording their story was inspired by meeting all three of them nine years into their relationship. I was surprised to find their union working so well, particularly at a time when one out of two marriages ended in divorce. And still does. I never imagined that the project would take eight years to make and that one of the more prominent themes of the story would be about self discovery, being truthful and allowing yourself to accept your true self. I am proud that the story resonates in this way. You must not forget that Sam, Samantha and Steven had thirteen years together and are still in unconventional relationships living happy, productive lives, which include raising their children with enormous love and respect. These three individuals were brave to allow us into their lives. I thank them for seeing the importance in having their story told openly and honestly. They never were trying to make a political statement with their lives. Their motivation was always to inspire. As a filmmaker I cannot control how people experience their story. Every experience is valid, and I love the dialogue.

[Samantha Singh] Though I do believe that Steven loved you, it seems so clear that he is gay. Did you ever question whether he was in the relationship because he was so in love with Sam and loved you enough to try to make it work rather than losing Sam altogether?

Thanks for your question. Absolutely, but hind sight is 20/20. When we started the relationship, Steven was very much a part of it, in the same measure as Sam and myself. He laid down the ground rules, I never thought it wasn’t something he didn’t want.

[Samantha Singh] Very moving movie... my question is - I am a gay man with a straight woman in a mixed orientation marriage / partnership of almost eight years and with two wonderful daughters - very much like you and Sam. Recently, we have decided to go our own ways. While sad and unsure as it might be - what advice might you have for strength and balance for ensuring one can be the best parent possible? My partner is my soul-mate and we hope we can be best of friends forever like you two... Love and best regards,george and corrine (www.arriola.com / www.flickr.com/photos/lowsrc)

Thanks for your question. It seems you have gone your separate ways, but you’re still both raising the children together? If so just make sure you stay connected on a parental basis for the sake of the kids. Sam and I discuss major decisions together, and we make mistakes sometimes, but we work it out. Do the best you can, and seek the advice of a professional if you are in doubt about something, or don’t see eye to eye on an issue, that’s what we do.

[Samantha Singh] My question is actually for all three you as you are all parents. If in the future, Siena or Sumit expressed a desire to enter into a similar threesome relationship, what would you advise him or her?

Thanks for your question. I know from my own experience, whenever my parents said don’t, I did! The more you make something taboo, the more a teenager or young adult is intrigued. I will have to cross that bridge when I get there. I’m just trying to deal with them fighting over who got the bigger piece of dessert!

[Susan Kaplan] I rented this movie through Netflix. The first version just stopped working at the one hour point and had to have a replacement shipped. When the replacement copy arrived, and then I was able to finish watching the movie, I went to the Special Features section. There is an icon for "Update." I read what Sam had to say, but could not find any place to get to what Samantha or Steven had to say. At the top of the screen for updates, it lists Sam, Steven and Samantha. But, again, the DVD does not provide any way to see updates written by either Samantha or Steven. Is this second DVD defective, too? To be honest, I really hope that like Apted’s 7 Up, etc., films that in 10 years, 20 years, you will do follow-ups on the three principals and Siena and Sumit and what growing up was like for them, as well as the resolution of the lawsuit and what one-on-one relationships that Samantha and/or Sam enter into. Thank you very much.

There have been technical problems with the DVD. We have identified audio issues. Thinkfilm has said they would replace defective DVD’s if sent complaints by consumers and/or vendors. Please tell your local video store to contact Thinkfilm if they are getting complaints about our DVD. If you have purchased a defective DVD, you can contact Thinkfilm at ecox@thinkfilmcompany.com and explain the problem. If you continue to have a problem, please contact me through this site.

Thank you for caring enough to want to see an update on their lives. We spent many years with Sam, Samantha and Steven and at this point, I don’t think any of them want cameras back into their lives. Please do not hesitate to ask them questions via this site.

[Steven Margolin] In our society, relationships do and always will have a financial component to them. As a husband to these two people, do you feel any responsibility to them? In any divorce, there are financial obligations and child support issues. Since you were in a marriage, would that not hold true to you or do you feel that technically she is married to Sam, because that one was first so that means that your marriage to them is invalid? I would think that you would honor your agreements and they should honor theirs live by example and not be subject to this pettiness...no one likes to pay after a relationship is over but that is how it is done in our society. After so long together, I would think that the love is there and wanting them to be ok and secure, maybe you chose to end the relationship, but with that ending there are costs... financial and emotional.

Well, in response to your question, of course I felt a responsibility to Sam, Samantha and the children and it was acted upon. Regardless of how it may have seemed in the film, I have always gone beyond what I was responsible to pay for child support while staying active in the children’s lives. Choosing a friend who happened to be the executive producer of the film and who also had no training in helping people settle their differences was doomed from the start. If when asking about pettiness, you are referring to the debate over dog boarding costs, the only comment I will say is that it was depicted in the film far more dramatically then it was in reality. As far as the business goes, Sam and I split the businesses (with him getting the one that grossed more money at the time of the split) and Samantha was compensated financially for the time she put into my end of the business. It was not the issue of me not wanting to pay after the relationship was over, more then it was anger being a source of exactly what everybody thought they were entitled to. What I have learned is that regardless of how much time you were in a relationship with someone, there is seldom an easy way to settle such differences leaving everyone happy.

[Samantha Singh] Dear Samantha, my name is Candy. My husband and I seen your show and think it was great. My question is, do either of you ever get jealous of one another? I would love to be in the type of relationship if my husband agreed to it. Thanks.

Candy, thanks for your question. No we weren’t jealous of one another, however I can’t speak for Sam or Steven, I can only speak for myself. I loved them both for different reasons. As for Sam and myself now, there is no jealousy, we support one another in our endeavors. Thanks, Samantha

[Susan Kaplan] I just want to say Thank you Susan Kaplan for directing Three of Hearts. The documentary was moving.

Thank you for taking the time to send me your warm thoughts. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to tell Sam, Samantha and Steven’s story.

[Steven Margolin] In one of his comments, Sam called you a Narcissis and think that characterization is completely unfair. My impression from the documentary is that your evolution as a individual involved the realization that Sam had been the impetus for many decisions regarding your relationship as a couple and then as a trio. His own insecurity about his sexuality drove him to involve Samatha in your relationship. Your desire to please allowed you to go along with the program and strive to find happiness even when you felt left out. Even the way they got married with Samatha’s family excluded you and seemed wrong to me. I commend you for finding your truth in the face of Sam and Samatha’s anger and pain, but the children, who didn’t sign up for this relationship, shouldn’t suffer. I also commend you for not resorting to name-calling because such tactics affect the children indirectly. I hope the wounds will heal soon and that you all can move on in happiness and peace.

Thank you for you kind, insightful words.

[Steven Margolin] What did you learn and gain from each other?

I learned many things from being in a relationship with Sam and Samantha but I would have to say that what stands out the most is staying true to yourself is the most important thing anyone can do, not only for themselves, but for those around them.

[Steven Margolin] It seemed to me that Sam was the dominant male, originally, and that you were willing to be more passive. Do you feel that the relationship between the three of you changed, at least in part, because you grew as a person, both in your work and emotionally as you worked on being a family and that you became less willing to follow him?

Yes. Without a doubt, as I grew as a person, it became more challenging to follow Sam which in turn, lead to many disagreements and arguments.

[Steven Margolin] Your parents seem very nice and supportive. How did they handle your relationship? How did you tell them and what was their initial response?

Thank you for your question. My parents are actually very nice and supportive. When my parents were just getting used to the fact that I was with a man and homosexual, they had a hard time understanding having a woman in the relationship. Nevertheless, they were supportive from the very start and very accepting of Samantha. My parents have continued to surprise me on how open they can be of whatever makes me happy, no matter how foreign the idea may be to them.

[Steven Margolin] My question is actually for all three you as you are all parents. If in the future, Siena or Sumit expressed a desire to enter into a similar threesome relationship, what would you advise him or her?

If either of the children wanted to enter a threesome relationship and wanted my opinion about it, I would have to tell them that I thought it would be extraordinarily challenging and to take one day at a time and stay true to your own happiness.

[Steven Margolin] I wonder if, knowing what you know now, you would not have brought children into this relationship. Do you now feel that when people are experimenting with their sexuality during their youth that they should refrain from bringing children into the experiment? The movie made it seem like having children was just another experiment and you were all portrayed as having a rather cavalier attitude in regards to the affect your decisions would have on your child.

First let me say that I find it interesting that you refer to our relationship as experimental, when in fact, aren’t all relationships experimental? Sam, Samantha and myself were together for almost ten years before we had children. Ten years is longer then most people wait to have children, regardless of their sexual orientation, so was it experimental just because there was three of us? If the movie made it seem like having a child was merely an experiment then I suggest you ask the director if that was her intention. Having children was a product of a long term relationship between people who desired children. Just because I left the relationship does not mean I have ever given up my parental responsibities, regardless of how the director chose to portray me. I am and have always been a phenomenal father.

[Steven Margolin] Steven, I have always admired your spirit and heart. I haven’t seen the film yet but love that you, Sam and Sammy were so open to sharing your journey. I hope you have found the love you seek. Sorry it has been so long since we were in touch. Drop me a line if you have a chance. - Alison - the girl who always adjusted herself.

Hi Alison... thank you for your sweet note. The answer to your question is yes, I have found the love that I sought. Thanks for writing!

[Steven Margolin] I hope this isn’t too personal. If it is, Please disregard. I am curious if you have to pay child support or palimony to Samantha or Sam. I certainly don’t think that you should but I can’t help but wonder about it. I had a friend in a “slightly” similar situation years ago and he didn’t have to pay child support or support but it was a challenge.

While that question is a too personal to answer in detail, I will generally say that I have always paid more then any court would have ever held me liable for and I have always paid child support.

[Samantha Singh] I was just made aware of this arrangement a couple of days ago. I saw it on CNN. I think the new publicity is due to, the recent rehashing of the same-sex marriage issue. I can see the two men are gay, I’m still unsure about you. I notice you take pride in being non-traditional. Having already done it , you can’t take it back. I know you wouldn’t do it again today. But if you knew then, like you know now? Would you still have been involved?

Thanks for your question. Absolutely. I learned so much, I have two wonderful children, a wonderful life partner, and many wonderful memories.

[Samantha Singh] What did you learn and gain from each other?

Thank you for your question. I learned so much, and I’m thankful for the life lessons. I’m still gaining from my children and my life with Sam.

[Samantha Singh] I was a little taken aback at how little was portrayed as to how your youthful experimentation would affect children born into the relationship. The film seemed to portray the three of you as people who were wounded in life and trying to experiment with various lifestyles in order to heal your pasts. I didn’t get the feeling that three of you took any responsibility for acknowledging that your youthful experimentation would affect children that you brought into the world. The film portrayed the children as almost bit players in your journey to find yourselves. Is this accurate?

Thanks for your question. Honestly, I wanted the children in the film as little as possible. They are extremely loved and doing fine.

[Samantha Singh] It was so brave of you to share this relationship, no because of its political controversy but rather because sharing an intimate relationship in general is brave so I commend you for that. When Sienna was born you guys had what looked like some really close friends at the hospital. How did your closest friends react to Steven’s sudden personality change and eventual departure from the relationship? - Kimberly

Kimberly, Thanks for your question. I believe this situation would be the same for any couple that breaks up. Friends tend to go to one side or the other. At least that’s was how it played out in our situation, we don’t share any friends, they’re either his or ours. - Samantha

[Samantha Singh] You're an amazing woman!!! WOW!

Thank you.

[Samantha Singh] How do you cope with letting go of someone who feel such a huge part of who you’ve become as a person? I am currently separated from my husband and can still not fathom the idea of him not being in my life. It seems so difficult to let go. Is it a daily struggle or have you learned the art of “moving on”?

Thanks for your question. It seems like you are in so much pain. I don’t know the time line of your separation from your husband, but it gets better especially if you have a good support group ofÊfriends, family and therapy helped me through my break up. It will get easier, and it’s always one day at a time.

[Sam Cagnina] My question is actually for all three you as you are all parents. If in the future, Siena or Sumit expressed a desire to enter into a similar threesome relationship, what would you advise him or her?

Thanks for the question. If my children wanted my advice, based on my experiences and then on top of that were willing to listen to me about what I think they should do concerning love, and especially with who or whom, (which I think might be hard given how powerful the pull of youth, ideals and love can be). I would advise them that they should follow their hearts, but with their eyes as wide open as they can, respect themselves and others, and be responsible for the choices that they are making. Also that I would love them no matter what. I would also tell them that all journeys (both good and bad) teach us something if only that the fire of love and wrong choices is hot and sometimes we can get burned, but that’s okay. Because if they are open enough to the lessons they can learn something from all of life and the experiences that life has to offer us. Then as far as I’m concerned they can’t lose even if they make a mistake. And that some of my greatest lesson and gifts in life have come not only from my successes but also from my failures. All the best, Sam

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] From Sam’s remarks at the end of the film about the end of the relationship, he engineered the group into existence to deal with his internalized homoohobia. Even the added wierdness of a three-partner marriage was peferably, in his mind, to openly loving and living with a man, wasn’t it? Wasn’t this inability to deal with the devastating loss of white/male privilege the social force which unhinged his judgement and caused him to seek an imaginary middly way?

It is also possible that he was truly bisexual - but who knows? The internal life of any given human being is hard to know when you know someone in person - much less in a movie. I think he genuinely cared for both of them - but I give you your point - when you dilute your emotions between two people - what are you offering either one? Still, they had a fascinating and pretty long lived relationship all together - and even if it couldn’t last - it was real and caring, maybe Sam gave all he was capable of giving - and that structure was exactly what was right for him.

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] It’s my personal experience that it’s incredibly complex to work with feelings and facts in relationships and one must pay sensitive attention. Isn’t it entirely too complex a job for three people to do if the relationship between them is ostensibly egalitarian instead of a dominant/submissive pattern?

Oh I could not agree with you more... ! It is very hard to pay attention enough to a partner’s moods, feelings, challenges - add one more - and the triangulation of emotions - and it is challenging to say the least! Still, there is something to be said for triangulation. For example, when people go to a therapist they utilize an objective observer and one who can help mediate between the two people who are trying to change something between them. Sometimes in a threesome one person is not involved in the problem and can hold the other two accountable. So there are pluses and minuses....

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] It sounded like the introduction of Samantha into the relationship was not so much based on sexual desire as it was on other matters. Which leads to my question, in your opinon is there such a thing as bisexuality or is it a step toward homosexuality? My best to all 3 “stars” and hopes for great romantic futures for all.

I think there are bisexuals - I have met and interviewed hundreds of them. Why do we think there could not be someone who could find both sexes romantic and alluring? I think we are taught to believe that even a bit of homosexuality is the tip of the greater iceberg - but I don’t think that’s true. I think we all have a continuum of sexual interest from no interest in one sex to great interest in that sex. But a continuum means that there is a lot in between - and bisexuals range from having modest interest in same-sex relationships to modest interest in heterosexual relationships. Look up some of the scholarly work on the subject (I have published some for example, under Blumstein and Schwartz in the Nexus service). See what you think the research says!

[Samantha Singh] I think you guys had a wonderful relationship. And even though it was over you had a great relationship. No one said any relationship should last forever.

Thanks, we did have a wonderful relationship!

[Steven Margolin] Would you welcome a reconciliation with Samantha and Sam if they would want that too, and would become the people you want them to be now that you are who you are?

First I can say while I don’t see that ever happening, the most important thing to realize is that I would never choose to be in a relationship with someone who was trying to be what I wanted them to be. Supporting someone in their individuality is the only way to be in relationship with another. Sam and Samantha are just perfect the way they are and we simply live our lives differently.

[Steven Margolin] I can only imagine how hard it was for you to live and being the catalyst for change which you felt will do good for all three of you. Of course I have no doubts that in the end it is a very positive thing that your relationship ended although a lot of people would disagree with me. My question really is how do you feel about getting into relationships now? I can feel that you are a loving person but emotional burns like the physical ones do leave scar tissue. How do you deal with that? If you feel healed now can you comment on how long it took you to heal? Can you also comment on how you feel you changed in your ways of communicating with possible partners? Do you feel the way you communicate changed? How this whole “forum” thing and people asking questions affects you? Would you rather withdraw from this and let the past be past?

Thanks for your question. I have never been afraid of getting into another relationship. I started another relationship directly after ending my relationship with Sam and Samantha. It lasted 3 years and then ended very suddenly. Although I started dating again, almost immediately, I stayed very aware of how much I was giving to stay in new relationships. If I felt I wasn’t being completely true to myself, I would end it or try to transition it into a friendship. I have been in my current relationship for just about 2 years now. We were very good friends for 3 years before getting romantically involved, so we have been in each others’ lives for 5 years. We live together and created a home with my daughter that is based on supporting each others independence. My methods of communication have grown immensely.

As far as speaking about the past, I enjoy describing my experiences so people may learn from them.

[Sam Cagnina] Are you still looking for that someone special? I feel that you have forgiven yourself and Steven and Samantha - do you even consider a possibility of getting all together again if you all fell back into loving each other?

Thanks for the question. As you may or may not know I am still living with Samantha and we will be celebrating 19 years as soul mates, parents and partners this year. I feel like Will and Grace but with our own unique twist. How great is it that I get to share all that life has given us (both good and bad) with my best friend and so far we’re still going strong.

As far as that someone romantically special, I am still open to what life has to offer me and would feel blessed and lucky to fall in love, and be loved by that someone special who get how special our life is. And I am also excited about Samantha’s romantic love and what that will bring to the equation. Our dream is to live next door to each other as we raise our family. It does take a village or in our case a possible small town, ha-ha.

There is one thing I have learned through living and working on myself, and that is, that all thing are possible and what works for one may not work for someone else, each of us must find our own path.

Good luck on your journey! Keep dreaming and believing.
All the best, Sam

[Susan Kaplan] What is the name of the Catie Curtis song in the final credits? It’s beautiful! Also, what a remarkable film; few documentaries have the luxury of time of truly chronicling a relationship over an extended period of time. Loved it!

Thank you so much for writing. The song is called World Don’t Owe Me from an album called a Crash Course in Roses. You can visit Catie’s official website at: catiecurtis.com

[Samantha Singh] I picked this film up without knowing anything about it -- and I loved it! Having grown up during the social revolution, I cheered, even envied, this relationship, in awe over the love and support that flowed from it. But, like most viewers, it did seem that the Samantha was more naturally affectionate to Sam than Steven, which explains why their relationship has endured. Can Samantha comment on her feelings toward Steven and whether she has maintained an affectionate bond with him since the breakup?

Thanks for your question. I loved both Sam and Steven for different reasons. You can clearly see the love that we had. I have a wonderful relationship with Sam that is based on longevity, respect, partnership and love. However, developing that new relationship wasn’t always easy, it took work and commitment to finding a new way of being, and defining a whole new relationship. As for Steven, if the terms of the agreement we all signed was honored by Steven, perhaps the situation would be different now, but that is not the case.

[Steven Margolin] Hi Steven. Thank you so much for sharing your life experience. I enjoyed Three of Hearts very much and have a couple of questions for you. First of all, it seemed as if the film portrayed you as leaving so abruptly (or at least Sam and Samantha stated that you did) and I wanted to know if that was true? I had a hard time believing that after seeing how responsible your character was through the first half of the film. If not, if you don’t mind sharing the details, I would love to know the circumstances behind you leaving. Also, it seems that after you left, Sam and Samantha talk about how its just the two of them raising the children alone. When you left, did you give up all of your parenting responsibilities and if not, aren’t you still apart of the family like any other divorced family? Finally, I did see in the film that there was a lawsuit about finances. I can only assume that this must be painful to deal with. Have those been settled? Thank you once again.

Thank you for your questions. I agree with you that the film clearly shows Sam and Samantha’s perception of how I suddenly left with “no explanation.” My perception was quite different. As I stated in the film, we had all been in intense therapy, both individually and together in a group. It was in a therapy session that Samantha asked me what my intentions were and where I saw the relationship going. This was at the beginning of October. I felt the only thing to do was deliver my truest feelings in the most sensitive way that I could. I told them that although it saddened me, I didn’t think any of us were happy in the relationship any longer and I saw all of us remaining friends and raising the children together, but going our separate ways intimately. I had not begun to think how we would transition into this new life because I didn’t think any of this would ever be addressed until Sumit was born.

The following six weeks became an absolute hell for all of us. We had little to no communication and when words were exchanged, in most cases they were filled with anger and resentment and blame. I am choosing to not list all of the challenges, but our living conditions became unbearable for me. Thanksgiving was celebrated in the home that I shared with Sam and Samantha, one day early without me knowing, while I was at work. I was told to sleep in a spare bedroom that had no heat and a large gap in the window that kept the room equivalent to the 40 degree weather outside. It was never made clear exactly how Samantha saw me participating in Sumit’s birth other then her saying she wasn’t sure how but I should just wait and she would decide when the time came. All in all, we were living in a house filled with anger and no communication and that is when I decided that it would be best if I was not there for Sumit’s birth. I didn’t feel it was serve him to be born into those type of mixed emotions. I knew that Sam would be there to support Samantha (like any other husband supports their wife in the birthing process) and if Samantha intended for me to stick around just so they wouldn’t need a babysitter to watch Siena when she went into labor (which Sam has stated publicly) then I knew that wouldn’t be okay either. It was the hardest thing I ever did but I still feel it was the best choice for everyone in the given situation.

In response to your question concerning my parental responsibilities... I have never once given them up and I will always be Siena’s family. Sam and Samantha publicly speak about how it’s the two of them raising the children as if I want to have nothing to do with them. This is simply not true and is their choice. I had to get a court order to have my name put on Siena’s birth certificate when my rights as her father were being disrespected. From the day I left, I have always had a place for both children to sleep in my home and although I get no support about school events and extracurricular activities, I remain active in Siena’s life.

In response to your inquiry about the lawsuits. It saddens me greatly that our unconventional family was part of the norm when it came to separating, meaning that it all came down to money. Nineteen years of being a devoted friend, partner and father suddenly vanished in the eyes of anger. Lawsuits are simply a way of prolonging the inevitable. One day, we all must go on with our lives.

[Samantha Singh] Hi Samantha, in the documentary you said you would never consider another three way relationship. Have you changed your mind at all or gone back and forth on the idea? I’d also like to give you credit for being such a strong independent thinking woman. It’s amazing that you seem not to worry what others think. You also have a wonderful disposition that shone through the entire film. You’re really great. - Kyle Richard, Church Point, LA

Hi Kyle, Thank you for your e-mail. I have not changed my mind on being in another threesome. It was a wonderful part of my past, and now on to new adventures! - Samantha

[Sam Cagnina] Hi Sammy, I can’t wait to see the documentary and show it to our GLBT group where I work (a UCC church in the Midwest). It’s been a long time since “Sardines and Pork and Beans” pep rallies at MBSH and Willie Wonkia and the Choc. Factory in Jay Jensen’s Children’s theater. Give my best to Keelee, Roman and Susan Kaplan! You make all of us grads from MBSH proud! Tammy (Schwartz) Alvis

Thanks Tammy!! I will give your regards to everyone!!! All the best to you and yours. Peace, Sam

[Samantha Singh] My partner (wife as of last year thanks to the MA SJC) and I have 3 children (a 10-year-old daughter and 8-year-old twin boys). Our children luckily have dealt with little if any discrimination at their Boston public school due to the difference of their family. In kindergarten the kids in their class asked how our kids could have two moms. We explained that one of us gave birth to them and the other adopted them. One of our sons brought in a video of our wedding to show his teacher and then asked if he could show it to the class. She called and asked what we thought. We didn't want to set them up for negative feedback but we also didn’t want him to think we were ashamed of our family. After they watched a clip of the video, his teacher put the video in a box with other freedom fighters they had been studying. We had no negative fallout from parents. In the movie you spoke of wondering what it would be like for your children when they realized their family was different from others. How has it been for them? It appeared to be painful continuing the documentary once Steven left. What allowed you to do it? Thanks for having the courage to share your story. - Beth

Thanks Beth.

Since the kids are older now, they are aware of their family situation and seem to be handling it fine. Sam and myself take it one day at a time. Whatever issue may arise we deal with it as it happens.

As for filming after the breakup, it was difficult, for two reasons - the breakup itself and the heartache that goes along with any breakup, and I had just given birth, so I was under water as I like to refer to it, so it took awhile to resurface, perhaps that's what got me through it - I was in a semi-haze.

[Sam Cagnina] I am a 26-year-old male who has been in a gay relationship now for six years and just recently my partner and I met another male who we have gotten to only know a little, but we have tossed around the idea of making this a three-way realtionship (obviously taking it slow shows that we really don’t know him yet). But my question is: Is there any feedback or suggestions that you can give me before I make the small steps towards what I hope is a great life experience. Thanks, B

Hi, thank you for your e-mail. As far as any suggestion on how to move forward with your possible three-way relationship, I do have a few suggestions. First, be as honest with yourself, as well as the people who are in your life. At times you may hear a voice (within yourself) that says this doesn’t work for me, I really don’t want to do this, or I’m not sure what I want. Sometimes we over ride these feelings and thoughts, for many reasons, mostly because “we are afraid that we will lose something we have” or “afraid that we will not get something we want.” So we will, (at times) justify our behaviors and not be honest with ourselves or those around us. I believe that If we don’t follow our inner voice or inner truths (or at least try and bring it into the light of consciousness) we will end up not only hurting ourselves, but those we truly care about.

Second, I believe that there is no right or wrong in trying something new or different, as long as you are paying attention and trying to listen to your inner truths. They are always accessible because they live within us. But, no matter what you do or what choices you make, it can and will teach you something. It is just the degrees of pain and suffering or peace and serenity that are at stake. If you try something and you like it, great! However, if you try something and you don’t like it that’s also great because that will also teach you what you don’t like. Now you have learned what works and doesn’t work for you. You have choices.

Good luck on your journey,
All the best, Sam

[Sam Cagnina] My maiden name is Valerie Cagnina and my Dad was born in Santa Caterina Villamosa, Sicily, Italy, AKA Saint Catherine, Sicily. I was born where my grandfather settled, the Boston area. Is your family from the St. Catherine area? I’ve been three times and it is beautiful. I still have lots of relatives there. By the way, we pronounce our name Cag-nina, but the correct pronounciation is Can-yeen; such a pretty, musical name. Best wishes with the movie and your children. Sincerely, Valerie Cagnina Bardascino

Hey Valerie,

I do know that my Grandfather and Great Grandfather (both also named Sam) where from Sicily.

However I’m not sure the exact location. There lived in Tampa, Florida when I was born. But I’m pretty sure if we go back long enough we are from the same tribe. I don’t think there were that many Cagninas at the turn of the century.

I’ve been to Italy many time but never to Sicily, know I have another great reason to visit.

Thank you for taking the time to write.

All the best to you and your family.
Sam Cagnina

[Sam Cagnina] I don’t have a question so much as a hello! Beach High class of ’79... “Don’t give me no bread...” You made the pep rally an experience! Anyway... weird timing... I moved into a house in the California club area recently and photographed a tree stump in a curious position on an adjacent golf course... I was going to name the photograph Rome Cagnina since it brought back memories of a time I ended up on the golf course next to the youth center on Pinetree Drive... I settled instead on calling it “the 19th hole” or “lady of the lawn”... anyway... was happy to read news of a familiar name and face and that you are doing well... all the best, Robin (Baker) Stein

Dear Robin (Baker) Stein,
I just left Rome a voice mail with your message.
All the best, Sam

[Samantha Singh] The men are bi; what about you... have you ever wanted to be with another woman or include another woman in your lovemaking?

No, I wanted to be the only woman.

[Steven Margolin] What is your profession and that of Sam and Samantha?

I am a licensed Chiropractor and Nutritionist. As far as Sam and Samantha goes, you’ll have to ask them.

[Steven Margolin] Steve, how have people reacted to your “part” in the outcome of the events presented? Has it happened to you that you are perceived as the “bad guy” in the story? Personally, I think you showed amazing courage and strength to confront the situation and face the facts of your change of heart. I deeply respect that.

Hi J and thank you for you acknowledgment and respect. Most of the reviews of the film and people’s opinions that I have talked to about the film have seen my “part” or the way I was portrayed in the documentary, in the same light as you do. There are a fare share that do see me as the “bad guy” but I have found that those people have usually brought something personal to their experience of the documentary. When it is all said and done, the film is simply the director’s vision of what our relationship was and how it ended.

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] I have had many friends at various different screenings where Sam had participated at the question and answer session- which leads me to this question. Do you want your movie to be viewed and remembered as a documentary regarding alternative life experiences, and human growth? or would you like it to be viewed and remembered as a production piece ready to be aired on Jerry Springer or Montel Williams? Sam’s behavior on this site as well as in question and answer is clearly gearing your film up for the second option. My question to Dr. Schwartz would be - Is this behavior typical of someone who has grown, and moved on, or someone who is clearly faced with much more work to do? PS It is obvious to me why Steven really left.

You know, I haven’t seen the panels so I can’t comment on his behavior. Just a word of caution: people may act differently in a high stress situation (like being in front of an audience) than they do in real life.

[Susan Kaplan] This is a thank you rather than a question. I've been happily polyamorous for all my adult life (9 years) and I love that I’m finally starting to see poly families as subject matter in feature-length films. I also think it’s an important step in this case that a non-poly director was interested in making this film (another step towards mainstreaming). Thank you!

[Susan Kaplan] My question is not a question - but a large comment. I too am a “relationship expert”, (just less well known than Pepper) - a professional MFT, psychotherapist and certified sex counselor and educator. Most of my clients are “alternative”, in that they are of the GLBT community and/or are polyamorous - a word that was coined years ago to describe responsible multiple partnering. This film is a fantastic and important breakout into cultural awareness, the fact that responsible multipartnering exists and can be successful, joyful and lasting. It is very generous of these three people to share their lives so intimately and for a long period of time, so that others may be encouraged, supported, and moved to serious thinking. I have two responses however, about how the film is talked about on this website: one, it is stated that their relationship in the end “failed” because after 13 years Steve moved into his own place and expanded into some other things, while remaining a responsible parent. Labeling the relationship a failure, I assume because it was not lifelong, is a reflection of the very traditional, limited and unrealistic ideas and expectations that make this relationship seem so unusual in the first place. that it has to last “forever” to be successful is a cultural construct. Who decided that all relationships have to be lifelong in the same living and sexual mode to be considered a success? These three people were and are completely successful. My second comment is that - YES, in the awareness of the american people, and in the history of MOST cultures, EGALITARIAN multiple partnerships are relatively new and unusual (as opposed to a large percentage of the world which is polygynous, but sexist). I have been researching such relationships most of my life informally and formally for five years, and currently research it on a doctoral level - numbers can only be educated guesses at this point, not precise, but the estimate is that tens of thousands of people in the US are living in such relationships, many for decades and/or with children. Thank goodness - and all of you - that this film is one way, an opening way, of bringing this fact to light. To be truly representational, this excellent relationship needs to be spoken of as one of many, part of a movement with roots in the 1960’s, and as a success. Sincerely, Rhea Orion, M.Ed., CSC, MFTi#47311, Riverwoods Holistic Counseling, Napa, California

[Steven Margolin] Do you consider yourself father to Sumit in the same way as Siena? If not, does that cause any problems between the two kids (that one gets two dads whilst the other has to make do with one) ?

I had always thought that I would be just as much a father to Sumit as I did to Siena. Unfortunately, that has not been possible. I have no legal rights when it comes to raising him and Sam and Samantha have excluded me from playing an influential role in his upbringing. Sumit and I share a sweet unconditional love for each other we rarely get to express. Siena has never shared with me that Sumit has had a hard time adjusting to the fact that she has two father figures while he only has one. I believe that Sumit and I will have a deeper relationship once he starts making decisions for himself.

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] Do you believe that a trio can work with the right combination of people or are they all bound to disintegrate eventually?

I have seen trios work for quite a while-- but I wouldn’t bet money on longevity for most people who try this. Everyone wants to feel special and it is usual, not exceptional, to get jealous if you think the person you love might love someone more than you-- or even in a way that’s different from the way you are loved. Sometimes there is enough love, difference between partners, and overall even level of investment, and attraction, to sustain the trio for a long time. But empirically, it seems that over time, it is harder to sustain the balance of love and commitment in a trio than in a couple.

[Steven Margolin] Do you believe that a trio can work with the right combination of people or are they all bound to disintegrate eventually?

I feel that any relationship’s longevity is dependent on the individuals that are involved and their ability to grow with each other. All relationships change as people experience life and learn more about themselves and what makes them happy. That being said, I do feel that a trio could work but it does take an extraordinary effort to do so.

[Samantha Singh] Was it difficult doing this, being a Desi yourself? I am proud of you.

I never thought about it in terms of being East Indian. I would only question (in the beginning) being with two men, and how that was different.

[Sam Cagnina] Do you believe that a trio can work with the right combination of people or are they all bound to disintegrate eventually?

I believe that any and all things are possible. I believe that all things must and do come to an end. I believe that if you are willing to work on something you will get better at it. I believe that my relationship did work for 13 years and my relationship with Samantha is still working for us (as we are working for the relationship) after 17 years. I believe that anyone and everyone in a relationship must be willing to find the fine balance between self and other, if they want the relationship to work. I believe that any and all things are possible.

[Sam Cagnina] Steven says he did not leave for anyone else but himself. Is that your experience?

Yes, that is also my base line truth about Steven, that he left for himself. I’m sure there are many reasons that added to his leaving. I know that all of us were unhappy; there was a lot of stress with the business, our relationship, having another baby, a new apartment etc.... But there was also another reason that he left as well. I know there was someone in California that he went to 36 hours before the baby was born. It was very upsetting for Samantha, Siena, and myself that he did not take into count how we were going to handle his leaving emotionally as well as logistically i.e. all the things that go into a natural childbirth as well as the welfare and care of Siena (our 3 year old daughter) while we were at the birthing center. I know I would never choose to have a baby (it was a decision all three of us made) and then not follow through with the humane thing to do. But then again, Steven does what he needs to do for himself even if that is in direct conflict with his promises, commitments or even the humane thing to do. I think that is called Narcissistic selfishness.

[Samantha Singh] Do you identify as polyamorous?

I never even knew what that was until we screened the movie in NYC and did question and answer, so no I don’t.

[Samantha Singh] Being of Indian origin, was it more of a taboo for you to embark on such a relationship, given the conservativeness of the East Indian community?

No, I fell in love, it had nothing to do with being Indian.

[Samantha Singh] Going forward, how does this past relationship affect your dating and love life?

It hasn’t affected it as of yet.

[Samantha Singh] I know this didn’t matter, but for medical reasons, family history, etc... Did you have a blood test to see who the baby’s father was?

That answer is in the movie, you’ll have to see it!

[Steven Margolin] Bravo on your honesty and courage, and also your sense of humor. No relationship can make it without the latter quality. My question is: How do you deal with sexual jealousy within your marriage? That is, I assume you're not always having sex or making love as a threesome, that sometimes it's just two of you in various pairs. Does that ever leave the third person feeling left out? And then there's a larger question--do people ever try to bust you up? Are there people jealous of your stability who want to damage it in some way, since how you live challenges so many cultural preconceptions of what marriage and relationships are?

Thank you for your question. I will do my best to answer them by reflecting back to when we were all living together. It was my perception that jealousy did exist sexually, although not with me. While in the relationship, I would have to say that I was the least sexual and I did notice that there were times when one or the other felt they were not getting enough attention, if attention was being shown to the other. It was never my experience that people tried to break up our relationship. People would tend to have their opinion, whether it be positive or negative, but it was never forced upon anyone.

[Steven Margolin] In the film I noticed that the three of you celebrated Christmas together, even though you are Jewish. Did you also incorporate some elements of Jewish observance into your life with Sam and Samantha, or is that something you wish you had done?

Thanks for your question. It is important to know that while I was born and raised Jewish, my family practiced very little of the religion. Even around the holidays, Chanuka was just the time when we took out the menorah and turned the lights bulbs one at a time to symbolize each day. I only recall getting gifts one particular year. When I met Sam, I took on Christmas, not so much for its religious aspects, but more for the time of giving. To this day, I still have a Christmas tree in my home, mostly for my daughter to enjoy, to celebrate the holiday season.

[Steven Margolin] I saw the screening last night and I truly loved the film! I forgot to ask - Sam suspected that you had gotten involved in another relationship and that was what ultimately made you leave. I know that it was a process and had been building - but was there someone else who you were involved with at the time? And if so - did that relationship help to expedite your decision?

What the film did not show was all the challenges and unhappiness we had in our relationship prior to the break-up. You may recall that the film did show that we were in relationship therapy for several years trying to work it all out. It became obvious to me why our relationship had to change dramatically for any of us to be happy. Sam’s suspicions of there being someone else are the usual thoughts that people have when they don't want to face their own accountability for why relationships have to change. I did not leave the relationship for anyone other then myself.

[Dr. Pepper Schwartz] First, I'd like to thank all of you for creating this film. There is no doubt that you felt you had something wonderful and unique worth sharing, and put good faith in Susan to create an incredible representation of your life and your love. It takes great courage to open your life up like that for a film and I am not sure I could have done it, myself having entered a treo relationship 10 years ago. My situation is different in that I am the one being removed, which I always knew was a possibilty, but it seems to be happening with little information from the other two. However, I want all of you to know that you have provided me with some amazing therapy through this film. Thank you thank you thank you. My question is for the relationship expert...have you ever counseled anyone in this type of unique relationship, which is possibly more common than we think?

I have never counseled people in this situation -- and in fact, have never known anyone who was presently in a solid relationship of three people. I have talked to people who WERE in such a relationship and I have known situations where they were more than three people in a more communal situation. All very complex -- especially since people are prone to couple up and that is the reason for the phrase, “eternal triangle.” This family did extremely well with the problem of wanting exclusivity in the relationship, but still, it is hard for most people not to know they are “number one” in some way...Nonetheless, it is clear there was love, special moments for each combination of people, and real emotional and pragmatic sharing. Certainly they discovered ways of being together that sustained them for a very long period of time. Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.

[Steven Margolin] Do you feel having camera in your home for so long influenced your lives? (positively/negatively)

When you choose to be a part of a documentary film, the whole idea is to try and not let the presence of a camera alter the way you live you life. Inevitably, the camera will make you more aware of your actions. At the time, I can't say that the camera influenced me in any positive or negative ways. I always did my best to stay natural and ignore the fact that someone was filming me. I would say that the questions that the filmmaker asked made me think more then the fact that a camera was filming my answer. Awareness is the key to life. Our society supports us in staying numb. If being asked questions about your life inspires you to really think of your truest answer for the sake of being truthful to the camera, then only positive can result.

^ back to top