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Three of Hearts chronicles the domestic adventures of a unique New York City family consisting, remarkably, of two men and one woman. Late in the 1980s, Dr. Steven Margolin, his life partner Sam Cagnina, and their shared wife, Samantha Singh, set out to establish a new kind of family, one that would not be bound by conventional sexual or sociological rules. They wanted to experience all the rites-of-passage monogamous couples enjoy – to live together, to work together, and to have children – but as a fully-functioning ménage-a-trois. Fascinated by their unusual arrangement, award-winning documentary filmmaker Susan Kaplan follows this charismatic trio over the course of nearly a decade as they attempt to build and maintain their ground-breaking liaison. Capturing amazingly candid discussions about love, sex, and partnership, as well as pivotal – and sometimes surprising – moments in their evolution, Kaplan’s omniscient and non-judgmental camera reveals absolutely every aspect of the relationship to the audience and ultimately, to the family itself.
Kaplan was inspired to make Three of Hearts after a chance encounter with men she had known years earlier in her native Miami. A mutual friend, had arranged a dinner, and Kaplan was surprised to find herself spending the evening with Steven Margolin, whom she had known in high school, and Sam Cagnina, whom she had met as a young girl in community children’s theatre. She learned that Sam and Steven had fallen in love with each other, set up a home in New York City, and were working to put Steven through chiropractic school. Early in their romance, it had occurred to Sam that it would be great to bring a woman into the relationship: although the two men were committed to each other, at the time, they did not view themselves as gay. Steven eventually agreed, and they set out to find a woman with whom they could both fall in love, and, more importantly, who would agree to participate in their part experimental, part traditional, “trio” relationship. After a few false starts, they meet Samantha Singh, a struggling actress in New York City. Sam and Steven knew they had found the woman who could complete their post-modern family. Sam and Samantha were married in an official ceremony and soon after the three of them had a ceremony declaring their commitment to one another. Eventually, the three of them worked together at the wellness clinic they founded, Sam as a massage therapist, Steven as a chiropractor/nutritionist and Samantha ran the business.
“I met Sam, Steven and their wife, Samantha in early 1996,” recalls Kaplan, right after her film, Small Wonders, had been nominated for an Academy Award. “At the time, the three of them had been together for around nine years and were contemplating having children. I was in awe of how natural they were with each other and the outside world. They were funny, charming, smart, and charismatic. By the end of the evening, I was convinced that a documentary needed to be done exploring their relationship. As a filmmaker I wanted the opportunity to see in detail how it all worked and perhaps get to the truth of why they chose this union. I knew that in doing so I would be able to explore the bigger issues of family, sexuality and love. I had found the perfect family to challenge conventional ideas of family.”
Immediately, Kaplan asked if she could make their story the subject of a documentary. She quickly learned that Margolin, Cagnina, and Singh were opposed to the idea. They told her that they had been approached many times – people were always curious about their unique relationship – and had always refused. Kaplan tucked away the idea of a film, focusing instead on getting to know her potential subjects. “We all became fast friends over the next few months,” she explains, “And in August of that year, they took the first step of inviting me to film Samantha’s 30th birthday. In the days that followed, we discussed endlessly the importance of their story until they finally agreed to allow the cameras into their lives. I think they changed their minds because they thought if their story could help someone else to make a difficult and unconventional decision in their life, it would be worth it.”
Kaplan had a vision for her documentary. Knowing that the trio was planning a pregnancy, she decided to follow their story, verite style, over a certain period of time until their child was one year old. She also decided to use film instead of video. “The video cameras back then were not as sophisticated as they are today,” she points out, “and I did not want to cheapen their story or make viewers feel they were watching a TV sitcom.”
In fact, Kaplan was determined to maintain an air of intimacy throughout the shoot. She succeeded in achieving this goal by creating a bond between her subjects and the crew. “During the making of the film I got married and had children,” Kaplan explains. “Over time, and with extended exposure, Steven, Sam, and Samantha became fast friends with my husband, myself, and our community of friends. I felt our crew had become a fourth partner to their threesome. We spent a lot of time together, with and without the cameras. They always said that they looked forward to a friendship without a director in the room.”
Because Kaplan had grown so close to her subjects, she could make sure that their behavior was natural on screen. “I knew when they were self-conscious, or too aware, during our filming, and when they were comfortable,” she says. She also was in a position to save special moments for the camera. “At times, when we were all together without the cameras and they would start to reveal something that I knew would be useful for the film, I would ask them to wait because I wanted to hear it for the first time while we were filming,” Kaplan explains.
In addition to capturing Steven, Sam, and Samantha on film, Kaplan had to incorporate their families in the story. Sam and Steven’s families were fully aware of their sons’ alternative home life and agreed to participate. In fact, Steven’s parents often gave voice to the very questions audience members might ask, such as whether or not the two men will ever establish which one of them actually fathered the baby they both will call their child. Sam’s father, Sam Sr., even agreed to being filmed in the federal penitentiary, where he was serving time. Samantha’s family, however, was not as forthcoming. Her siblings agreed to be in the film, but her parents refused. The Singh’s were conflicted about their daughter’s “marriages” and preferred to keep her arrangement a secret. Over the years, they told family and friends that Steven was Sam’s cousin, not their other son-in-law.
With the birth of daughter Siena, the Margolin/Cagnina/Singh’s settled into new domestic routines. Steven and Sam continued to work together at their Wellness Center, while Samantha stayed home with the baby and handled bookkeeping for the business. Kaplan continued filming during Siena’s first year, intrigued by the way the baby caused subtle shifts in the relationship. When Siena turned one, Kaplan stopped filming and turned her attention to editing. Then, a year later, an emotionally-charged telephone call changed everything.
“We were just finishing the mix when I got the call that Steven had left the relationship, just a few days before their new baby was due,” Kaplan recalls. “I knew that they were having problems, but I always felt that they had the capacity to fix just about anything. We were all in shock. I knew we could not send the film into the world as it was. There was a whole new chapter to explore, and I felt it was important to end on a note of healing. We shot for three more years, chronicling the family’s disintegration and waiting for a sign that Sam and Samantha were moving on with their lives.”
Did the constant presence of Kaplan and her crew have an effect on the relationship? Was it part of an “anything goes” attitude that the family would inevitably outgrow? “It is impossible to determine if the cameras influenced their story,” Kaplan answers, “but I do know they were on their path of growing the business, having a family before the cameras came into their lives. I believe the break up had everything to do with the complications of life. It became clear that the film was not just a portrait of an unusual, three-way marriage – a major theme to our film was that of self discovery/acceptance. Three of Hearts is really a coming-of-age story.”
The process of making Three of Hearts was also a personal journey for Susan Kaplan, who experienced her own rites-of-passage during the shoot. “As I got married and had children, my understanding of their story deepened and I just wanted to know more,” Kaplan explains. “I never tired of their story. In fact I was constantly challenged by it and felt a huge responsibility to be as fair as I could with each person.” She also found it interesting to examine the role therapy played in their transformation from happy threesome to questioning, independent individuals. “In the film, we explore how they needed therapy to help them embrace their new roles as parents. Sam needed professional help to make peace with his childhood demons. Once he started, it was clear that they each felt the need to get in touch with their individual selves,” Kaplan observes. In the beginning, in the interest of making their union succeed, Steven, Sam, and Samantha had to surrender their individuality and function as a unit. Later, it was more important to them to find and express their true selves, even if it meant destroying the relationship in the process.
The bold domestic experiment so honestly and artfully portrayed in Three of Hearts may have failed, but Steven, Sam, and Samantha still work in concert to make sure that their children, Siena and Sumit, are happy and emotionally secure. They each provide an enormous amount of love, care, and consistency to their children’s lives. Consequently, those children are thriving, happy New York City kids. When one of Siena’s friends posed the inevitable question, “Why do you have two dads?”, Siena turned to her mother for the answer. Samantha said simply, “Because you are lucky.” Kaplan points out that Steven, Sam, and Samantha are lucky, too. “They had a thirteen-year ride...longer than most, on their remarkable journey to self-discovery.”
